A very useful and important topic.  At times raising a family can be so challenging that we neglect to nuture our marriage.

This as with other topics is one in which there is no right answer.  We all have different needs as couples and meet them in different ways.

For my husband and I it is important to get out together on a regular basis.  I used to feel that the money spent on a sitter was too much and we should’t do it.  I now see it as an investment in our marriage and as essential as the car, home owner’s and health insurance bills.  We go out 2 to 3 times a month.

We also spend time together at night and talk alot about what is on our hearts and minds.  We try to get away for a weekend once or twice a year and is that ever refreshing!

We fall on the other end of the spectrum & often find ourselves saying how we enjoy, so much more, being together or going out as a family.  I used to think it was just me until my dh shared w/his dad last fall (during his visit) that he would MUCH rather go out w/the kids because he enjoys them so much.  It was wonderful to overhear that conversation (I was in the backseat w/a screaming baby at the time...and we were on our way home from going out to dinner w/my fil, ironically enough) for me.  We know most people do need their alone/couple time but after being together for 22 years, we are quite comfortable & happy with things the way they are.  It never ceases to amaze me how God created so many people in so many different ways...He truly is amazing!!!  God bless you all!!!

We also enjoy putting the kids to bed at a decent time so we can have our own time.  If the older ones are not tired they can read in their bedrooms.  Our time is spent talking about Faith, politics or trivial things.  Sometimes we read quietly or rent a video. 
Our family does everything else together.  My husband is home every night for dinner.  We eat together, do chores together and spend lots of quality family time together, especially on Sundays.  Because of that we never feel badly about excluding the kids from our time together.

I know that when the kids are grown there’ll be plenty of time for just the two of us.  However, I want to make sure we have had plenty of opportunities to communicate and nurture our relationship now so when we are at that stage we can fully enjoy our time together.  I guess I’m saying I wouldn’t want all that alone time with my husband to be something new and awkward.

I can completely understand! Even as are kids are older (school-age) I’m glad that we have a couple hours between their bedtime and ours. I know that will get shorter as the kids get older. But we too treasure it. It’s just some time to regroup and reconnect. We like our times out, but for time and finances, they are occassional treats.

My husband has every other Friday off - like many people in our town.  Since all of our children are now in school, we use this time as our date “day”.  We drop the kids off, and after hanging out in the parking lot chatting with all the other parents who also use this as date time, head off to pick up a cup of fancy coffee and hit the farmer’s market.  We then spend the rest of the day hiking with the dog, walking or biking to do errands or watch a DVD we’ve been anticipating.  I love it because this way, we never have to schedule a babysitter or leave the kids at night - every night can be a family night since we have 14 hours a month to ourselves.

Mary,

I echo what you said about enjoying family life and time with the kids.  I know you wrote a short note and didn’t really share the whole picture of your married life so I wanted to ask a further question because I do hear often enough from couples that say they do not need anytime together alone.

So my question is what do you do together to foster the intimacy of your marriage, spiritually/emotionally/physically/intellectually?  Perhaps you don’t go out together without the kids ever but maybe you have that time together at night?

I get confused when I hear couples say that we love being with our kids so much that we don’t need time alone and wonder what that means.
I really have not been able to see how it is possible to foster your marriage and not spend time alone whether it is in your home or out of it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

So my question is what do you do together to foster the intimacy of your marriage, spiritually/emotionally/physically/intellectually?  Perhaps you don’t go out together without the kids ever but maybe you have that time together at night?

To Beth, To be honest, my husband is out often w/the children at different things (for instance, tonight he will be taking 2 of the boys to their R/C flight training while I am out at the golf course w/the baby to support our oldest son’s high school match).  We do, however, take advantage of the normal lulls at home when the boys are playing Legos & the baby is roaming around w/her dolls/toys and we talk then.  We might have a few moments in the morning when he is getting ready to leave for work but, most of the time, the kids follow me/us as soon as we wake up & there’s not much quiet then either.  lol

When we were first married, dh would come to Mass w/me and then, for awhile, w/our oldest when he was a baby but that has totally stopped as well.  The teaching of the Faith is totally on my shoulders for all of the children but he does support me (for the most part)...it’s just not something we talk about much b/c he is not ready to hear it (the sex scandals did a number on him & he just can’t get past it...he wasn’t involved but he doesn’t trust).

We have been together for 22 years and have had our major ups & downs, just like anyone.  But, again just last week, he was telling me at the supper table (we eat as a family every night...’cept during the high school golf season as it is literally EVERY day...almost over now, though...thank God!) how a friend of his was envious of our having young ones still at home b/c he misses it very much (he has 2 teens now.  we have one but 3 that are 10 and under).  We know that these years go by SO quickly (our oldest, who is still our “baby” is going to be 17 next week & I can hardly stand the thought of it!) that we just want to take advantage of every moment we can while it’s still here!

I’m not sure if I am answering your question but I hope I’m helping in some way...please feel free to ask again if you need more...God bless!!!

My husband and I attend a Catholic Schoenstatt group. In Schoenstatt, they encourage married couples to *schedule* one “Schoenstatt” hour together each week. That hour can be for doing anything you want, as long as it promotes time together and especially communication. They recommend scheduling the hour, because otherwise it might not happen. And they are right! If we don’t schedule, it doesn’t. It’s a good idea and a simple starting place for couples who recognize the need to do so.

Thank you Mary, you have a very precious family. I can certainly understand your husband’s trouble with the scandals in the Church, it is disheartening (to say the least).  I’m am sure that God’s grace with guide him and that He is already very present in his life with the love he has for his family.

Your are right, these precious days go by so quickly.  It is both sad and exciting for us to see our kids grow up.

I have always needed a lot of sleep.  Added to that, I have been pregnant and/or night nursing for the last 4.5 years—we have been married for 5 years.  And on top of THAT, our oldest has a genetic condition that includes a severe sleep disorder.  I almost always have to go to sleep at the same time as the children just to stay sane.

Besides this, our babies seem to be unusually attached to their mama.  So our few “dates” have almost always included at least one baby.

But despite all this, my husband and I have a strong marriage.  One of the things that helps us is that my husband calls me several times a day from work.  Sometimes we only talk for 30 seconds, never longer than a few minutes, but I love reconnecting with him this way.

We absolutely need the alone time, although we don’t have kids.  For us it means not overbooking a weekend with plans with friends, school and odd jobs.  We love to relax together on Friday nights just reading and surfing the net and talking and then go out for a late coffee and dessert around 10:30.

We also don’t have kids yet (believe me, not our choice!).  However, we make sure to go to bed together as much as possible.  That opens the door for “pillow talk;” I’m amazed at the conversations that have taken place in the last minutes of the night.  Also, our weekly “date” is to drive or walk to our local Starbucks and sit there for a couple hours, reading & talking.  OK, mostly reading.  Although the coffee is a bit steep, where else can you pay $3 for a drink and sit there for a couple hours? Finally, making time to go to adoration together has helped us tremendously.

My husband currently works evenings which means he is home well after I should be in bed (I need more sleep then he).

If we are lucky we can find time in the morning before the children leave their rooms but mostly our conversation time is nabbed in the spare minutes when no kid is demanding our attention.

It works.

Time alone? Hmmmm… I vaguely remember those days. ......When the kids’ ages range from 2 to 17, there is someone awake and in need from 5:30 am until 10 or 11 at night.  The teens need as much “talk time” as the younger ones need cuddle or play time.
What’s a big family to do?  Well, my husband and I have not been on regular date nights but we try to carve out a few minutes each day to chat and share news.  Other than that, we make every effort greet each other warmly when he gets home. After almost 20 years of marriage, I have learned that this is more important in the chaos of family life than trying to get out the door for an expensive meal when we both need an extra hour of sleep!