Love the fact that her husband made contact with the bully.  Who knows what might turn someone around --- that was great!  Plus, it gave the son a chance to see his dad stick up for him without intervening or becoming a bully himself.  Kudos all around!  Peace.  ~~~mary

We have been dealing with the “girl Bullying” issue with our 11 yr old daughter for some time now. There seems to be no easy answers or relief for her. She attends our parish school and I never thought that I would have to explore other options for her education. The bullying is so multifaceted and secretive that it is impossible to fight on so many fronts. We pray every day for help and wisdom for my sweet and innocent daughter.

Julie: Having dealt with this garbage myself for many years in school, I can tell you how I dealt with it. Have your daughter decide that those jerks are not worth the time of day. Make sure she knows how fantastic she is, and how rotten their behavior is, and then make sure she is in a class with a real friend who likes the things she does. Peer support makes all of the difference. It’s one thing to tell her to walk away from the bullies, but she needs somewhere to walk TO, which would be her friends. Once the bullies realize they are being ignored and are getting no reactions, they will back off and find another target. It may take a while, but bullying someone who doesn’t care is just no fun, either. In my experience, it is the desire to be with the “in” crowd that causes the most grief. The “in” crowd is usually a nasty, self-serving place to be, and being in your own crowd is much more fun, and healthy.

Just my experience, for what it’s worth.

Something that may not occur to most people: yes, girls are more likely to engage in relentless emotional bullying, and sometimes their target is a vulnerable boy.  What’s worse, grown ups are more likely to poo-poo this type of situation.  What’s the matter with you son?  Afraid of a pack of girls?  I happen to know that my brother was gang bullied, teased and tortured emotionally, for most of his grade school years, by some very ill-brought-up “ladies”.  They ruined his world and tainted his outlook on women.  I pray that he will overcome it someday.  No luck yet.  I see these gals, particularly the ring leader, in church sometimes.  She’s fogotten all about it.  Her mother likely knows nothing about it at all.  She’s a mother now.  Maybe she’s asked forgiveness of God and He has forgiven her.  God bless her.  I would say, to you parents who might have bullied children, believe them.  Believe what they say.  Take it as seriously as they take it.  I don’t think that enduring a bully is an opportunity for growth and maturity.  Like, when you’re the only one who doesn’t get to wear a strapless dress.  Or when you get teased for being the only one who has to be in by ten.  This is wholly different.  No good comes of enduring this kind of hell day after day after day.

This was a great article.  I was so glad to see that Adam’s dad did in fact speak to Chuck.

I am interested in seeing more stories about parent intervention.

When polio left my uncle with one arm significantly shorter than his other arm, my grandfather did not hesitate to confront the boys who were taunting my uncle and not letting him play ball because of his disability.  The bullying stopped immediately.

At my request, my parents did not intervene in the worst bullying situation that I faced.  Hindsight being what it is.  I would not hesitate to intervene if my children were facing that or even something less.  My own situation ended when I confronted the bully, but that was only after severe damage had been done.

I know that there are times when you cannot intervene and also times when you have to let your child handle a situation.

TCN—your advice is so good

Julie—Since there are no easy answers, have you considered trying the hard answers and letting the chips fall where they may.  I’ve never tried this, but what if your daughter confronts her bullies by letters sent to their home address.  Chances are their parents would see the letters too.  You could help her write it.  It’s just a thought.

I attended a very small school - only 60 high school students - and was snubbed by girls younger and older.

There is nothing more painful than every girl in school being invited to a party or sleep-over, except you. Or experiencing other girls getting up from a lunch table when you sit down, and moving to another table. Or the blatent rumors and lies perpetuated by both kids and parents (who believe what their kids tell them about other kids). Or the secret whispers and giggles that either stop or multiply when you approach a group.

It wasn’t until I left that environment and went to college and later, life, that I realized that there are many more people in the world than those 60 kids from HS.

TCN—you are right on and your advice is excellent. I wish I’d had that guidance when I was in junior high and HS. It was difficult to find that friend to run to though, since my parents lived in an ecumenical Christian community at the time, and seeking friends outside of that community was strongly discouraged.

If you continue to discuss this topic I’d love to hear from others who have kids who tend towards bully behavior.  In my case we are talking about a child who has had a pretty balanced life of nurturing and firm, loving discipline.  I’ve stopped trying to blame myself in some way since it seems to be part of his temperament.  Still I’d like to steer him away from this type of behavior.

Jenny Lou, I have a could-be-mean-girl.  I try to stay on top of her and appeal to her better nature.  She always wants to be in charge and always wants to make sure that she gets the best.  She presents very well (most of the time, she’s a really great kid), but when she is bad, she is very, very bad!

I point out other bullying/mean girl behavior in others and ponder how much that behavior hurts the victim.  This helps keep it non-personal, so that she can see the result without becoming defensive.  Of course, when I catch her in the act, I correct *her* and discuss how it makes the victim feel.

I also try to appeal to her sense of responsibility.  She knows that she is a powerful influence on her friends and siblings and I want her to understand that, ahem, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’.

I think it’s like any other personality flaw...just have to stay on top of the child and figure out the best way to reach him and correct him.  It can be very exhausting!

I was also a victim of girl bullying in elementary school. For whatever reason, though, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents or teachers. For awhile I literally had no friends, and I was deeply ashamed of that. I thought it meant there was something wrong with me, and I didn’t want anyone to know that I had no friends or that I was being bullied.

So I’m wondering, how do you foster the sort of relationship with your child so that they will feel like they can talk to you if that sort of thing happens to them? My mom was a stay-at-home mom, we had family dinners every night and we went to church together every Sunday. There was certainly no abuse or anything like that. But I didn’t feel like I could tell them what was going on. I have a 4-year-old and I want to have the sort of close relationship with her where she can come to me with anything. We give her lots of affection and she seems very outgoing and sweet. Kind of the opposite of me at that age - I was painfully shy. I just hope and pray she never has to deal with anything like that and that she will be able to tell us if she does.

TCN: ”but she needs somewhere to walk TO, which would be her friends”

The problem with that is that when girls bully each other, it is frequently the “friends” who are the bullies. Both my sister and I ran into this problem when we were in elementary school. We went to a small Catholic school with about 40 students in each grade. The girls I thought were my friends one day turned on me and began to torment me. I didn’t have any other friends to turn to in school, though I did have some friends outside of school and eventually made some other friends in school. Still, it was a long, lonely time.

These are my two thoughts: it occurs to me that this kind of bullying, where there’s no way to fight or strategize or escape the situation is a time to start talking about suffering and enduring suffering and joining Christ in suffering.  I have a child but he’s not old enough to be in these situations, but I was the target of bullies so I worry about this.  If this happened to him, I would talk about how Christ knew what it was like to be alone and ignored, and he certainly knew what it was like for a whole community to turn against him and choose him as the outcast.  In a worse case scenario, even if a child has no friends, they need especially to know Christ is with them.

I would also try extra hard to find a different group to be involved with in addition to school (or wherever), with different people where he could find friends and where there might be a different dynamic.  If possible, one where there were different ages of people participating (I’m thinking of like community theatre or a chess club, where the activity is the focus) The in-school bullying might not matter so much if a child had an after school or weekend group where they weren’t an outcast to look forward to.

My mother gave me an old booklet years ago written by a nun on the four temperaments - choleric, sanguine, melancholic and phlegmatic. It’s fascinating reading about a subject that should be of great interest to Catholics who want to know and understand what makes their their spouses and children tick. I know some more current things have been written on the subject. I only have a minute, but I remember her specifically mentioning that many a bully has a strong choleric temperament - they are driven to dominate and control and this tendency can only be productively directed with leadership roles and extra responsibility.

it occurs to me that this kind of bullying, where there’s no way to fight or strategize or escape the situation is a time to start talking about suffering and enduring suffering and joining Christ in suffering.
I agree completely with this statement with one minor caveat.  It is worth thinking and praying about the situation and whether it is *truly* impossible to change it. 

I have been frustrated in the past (I homeschool) by those who’ve been critical of removing a child due to bullying as if children must endure what is illegal in the workforce. (I liked the fact that the parents in the linked article made it clear that their child had options).

Again I am not disagreeing with elizabethe, just pointing out that with prayer we may see options where we may have thought none existed.

I also agree with the statement that bullies often have controlling/directing temperments which need proper direction.  It certainly seemed like that with the worst bullies from my childhood.