Posted by Lisa Hendey in Family on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 10:00 AM
In response to my recent podcast with Marybeth Hicks, author of Bringing Up Geeks, I received a very interesting question from a mom.
The mom in question welcomes her teens’ friends into her home. She wants to be the “hang out house” and has an open door policy.
The problem is, she’s not quite sure how to handle kids who visit and don’t have the manners or behavioral standards of her own children. Her query revolved around how to handle friends who come into her home and have disrespectful attitudes.
I think the question is pertinent for moms of kids of any age range. We’ve all had the situation of hosting a playdate and watching a friend’s toddler engage in behavior that was completely off limits for our kids, so this type of thing can start from a pretty young age.
I know how I would answer this moms’ question, based on what I saw successfully work in my own home when I was growing up.
We were always the “hang out house” - my mom and dad kept a stocked fridge, lots of great movies, just the right amount of adult supervision and a welcoming, fun attitude that made our friends want to hang around our home. We had strict rules, but that was never a deterrent for our friends, who loved being around our family.
I’d say that the questioning mom has the right attitude, and is asking the right questions too! It’s so much better to be the parent who welcomes a house full of teens or toddlers than to be the one who has an empty, clean home but no kids around to enjoy.
Taking on the responsibility of being the “hang out house” parent also gives you the charge of treating the kids as though they were your own - loving them enough to share with them your expectations and your standards. My limited experience with this has been that kids typically rise to our expectations - that if we lovingly yet firmly correct them (perhaps even with a sense of humor tossed into the equation), they will react respectfully in turn. But we also need to remember that we are the parents, not the friends - our kids need us to stand up for what’s right, even when they don’t necessarily “like” us for doing it.
But I have to say that I don’t have a lot of experience in this arena, so I’d love to turn to you, our panel of experts, for your wisdom. Whether its toddlers, school age kiddos, or teens, how do you handle the situation when children are welcomed into your home and don’t live by the same moral or behavioral code as your own flock? What tips can you offer for being the parent at the “hang out house”?
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Filed under friends, parenting, teens, youth
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I’ve never had a problem with the simple phrase “We don’t talk (act) like this in our house”. That pretty much seems to stop all unseemly behavior. We live in very social neighborhood and have a pool so my house sees lots of kids all summer long. I’m very firm with guests, but I don’t really care what my kids’ friends think about me. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is.
Jersey,
I love that no nonsense attitude and may try borrowing your phrase in the future!
Lisa
I definitely 2nd Jersey Girl’s way of handling this. My oldest is 17 and his friends LOVE coming & hanging out here...last week, we had a sleepover w/6 of them & they were wonderful! I, too, let them know (and my younger kids’ friends and/or cousins too!) by that very phrase. Most times, they have apologized & then we move on...it has never made them feel unwelcome. I know that b/c they are here all the time. ; )
I guess that phrase is pretty universal! It’s the same one I’ve used for years, not just for behavior/attitudes, but also for movies or TV shows we don’t allow. At first I felt pretty prudish, but over the years, all the kids’ friends have come to not only abide by our rules, but actually embrace them. I think it just proves that kids really want the structure of enforced rules and will rise to however high you set the bar.
As a kid, I loved the way our friends and neighbors just knew that they wouldn’t get away with vulgarity and disrespect in our house. I think the phrase the earlier commenter mentioned probably had something to do with that, as well as our friends picking up on our standards.
My parents high standards were coupled with genuine warmth and interest towards our friends, and made a difference especially for a couple of kids who were neighbors of ours and from dysfunctional/broken families. These two young men have, over the years, given my parents mother’s and father’s day gifts, been around for various holidays, and just generally been part of the family.
I really hope that we can be that house as our kids grow.
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