I thought I was the only one going through this. I will be married 24 years tomorrow, with three wonderful children - the oldest a junior in high school and the youngest in 5th grade. While I still have good days and bad days, my husband for the most part is distant. His priorities are his work and watching TV. While he states that he loves me and I am the best thing that ever happened to him, they are just words to me; because there is nothing in our relationship to back up his comments. He can come home from work, walk right past me and turn on the TV. I have found two books to very insightful. The books are “ Every Woman’s Marriage” by Shannon and Greg Ethridge and “Getting the Love You Want” 2008 version by Harville Hendrix. When I get in a poor me attitude, I go for a walk and pray. Being outdoors calms me and praying gives me peace.
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Did I Marry the Wrong Man?
September/October 2008 Issue | Posted by Father Richard Gill, LC in Spirituality
By Father Richard Gill, LC
Question
I’ve been married for nine years, and we have a boy, age 7, and a girl, age 5. On the surface, I suppose, we have a normal life and everything is okay. That’s probably what someone looking in from the outside would say about us. But I find myself unhappy and I don’t really love my husband. He seems to be in his own world, and we don’t interact much except for the business of managing the house and the kids. He has put on a lot of weight, seems emotionally distant, and mostly just watches sports on television or plays around on the Internet. I’ve been thinking about other men I dated before, and I feel like I would be a lot happier had I married one of them. It feels like I made a mistake and I’m never going to be really happy in this marriage. A friend of mine went through the same thing some years ago, got divorced, found a terrific guy, and is very happy now. On the other hand, my mother says marriage is forever, no matter what. What should I do?
Answer
Your situation is not uncommon. But that doesn’t make it any less trying. The first question you need to ask might be of yourself.
If you let the general culture in the media and entertainment worlds dictate to you what your life should be like, you won’t have much chance for authentic happiness. The culture around us sends a lot of confusing signals because in questions of marriage and family, it has lost its way. The evidence piles up every day: more broken homes, fatherless children, loneliness, sadness, and depression.
You’ve got to take charge of the situation you are in and decide you are going to change it.
Begin by renewing the spiritual basis of your marriage. Your marriage is a vocation. You received a sacrament blessed by God. He intends marriage to be permanent, and he gives married couples the supernatural graces they need to persevere and to be happy. But you have to ask for those graces, and so you need to pray. Without prayer, you are going to be in trouble and there won’t be a solution. Get on your knees and start praying for your marriage every day.
Remember what you committed to at the altar. In your vows, you promised to live to make your spouse happy through loving service. There was no conditional clause in the vows, such as, “provided he also makes me happy.” The mystery of Christian marriage is like the mystery of the Christian life: We can only be happy if we give ourselves in love and service to another person. So start there.
First, take a good look at yourself. No doubt that just as you have some legitimate complaints about your husband, you can imagine he has some gripes about the kind of wife you are. That’s not to say all the blame is yours — only that you have to start changing yourself if there is going to be progress.
Then, take a look to see what his real needs are. Most of them are probably reasonable ones, and by meeting his needs you can make him happier. What are his likes and dislikes? Try to meet them generously and lovingly. That might just start a “virtuous circle” of each of you looking to meet the other’s needs, and you’ll see a real change in him.
Another thing you could do is try to develop an honest interest in the things he enjoys. Most men want their wives to be their recreational companions and have fun together. So if it is baseball, or football, start learning something about it. You don’t have to become a fanatic, but you have to be interested in the things he loves. By doing so, you’ll have something more to share with him.
Also, take a look at how much time you spend together — alone. This is critical to keep a marriage from falling into routine and boredom. You need to get out for a weekly date alone, and occasionally go off for a weekend, without the kids. This is really helpful in renewing the romance. What were the things that you both used to enjoy in the beginning?
If all of this sounds a bit one-sided, as if I’m saying it is all your fault, you have to remember: You can only change yourself and your attitudes. By loving and serving your spouse, you are fulfilling that vocation God gave you and you are being the kind of person you want to be. But by doing so, you will prod your spouse along to respond to you and your marriage in the same way. C
Legionary Father Richard Gill is director
of the Our Lady of Mount Kisco Retreat and
Family Center in Mount Kisco, New York.
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My husband and I have been married for almost twenty-five years. During that time we have had some pretty distant and difficult moments. I used to be really angry about our “lack of relationship”, then God showed me how, even though I vowed to do this when I married him, I had failed to honor my husband. I was, with every birth, getting more frustrated with what I did not get from him emotionally. He has always been a really good man; faithful, hard working, putting his own needs on the back burner, etc. However, he also felt that he was dead last on my list of priorities, which made his somewhat distant. He did not really share his daily struggles and joys with me. Not sharing the faith was a difficult reality to face each day as well. After my “wake up call” from God, and a tremendous dose of grace, I began to change my way of doing things; with baby steps - greeting him at the door, and giving him a warm hug when he got home from work; asking him if I could get him something cool to drink when he would go to watch t.v.; being available to him and just smiling at him from across the table, as he is beginning to lose his patience, during a very loud (due to many children) meal. Gradually a change began in our relationship. We are expecting our thirteenth child, and are more in love now than we ever were. I wonder how lonely life would be for me right now if God had never tapped me on the shoulder and said, “It’s not about you. It’s never been about you; It’s about them.”
“Remember what you committed to at the altar. In your vows, you promised to live to make your spouse happy through loving service. “
Whoa, Nellie! I did no such thing! When I first read this article, I thought this comment was some kind of joke. I now know after re-reading the article that it was not. My husband and I have not made love since football season started. He relies on me to do everything for our three kids when he is gone for work 55+ hours per week, often at night for sports broadcasts. Then he stays up ‘til one or two in the morning watching TV and doing sports stats on the computer. I am so lonely. And the response of the “adviser” here is that it’s my fault. No wonder people think Catholic priests are insensitive. Father Gill, I really loved your column… most of the time. Could you check the marriage vows again please? Thanks. I know I’m not perfect, but I suspect that God would really like my husband and I to “image” His love to each other a little better for our kids’ sake as well as the sake of our marriage. And, no, I am not comparing my husband to any one else.
I just wanted to add that it is very very very important to choose wisely WHOM you seek counsel from. Do not seek counsel from worldly, carnal and foolish people. Seek counsel from people who are grounded in Christ and in the word. Also, look at who you are surrounded by...make sure you are surrounding yourself with friends who listen 90% of the time and the rest of the time ENCOURAGE you and your marriage by speaking positive and speaking LIFE into your situation…
I feel led to share these comments from a fellow pastor friend of mine, I believe someone needs this message:
You have been given a “promise” from God….The husband that was promised to you, who regardless of how you look at him is not a “knight in shining armor” and could never be….who may be going through some deep struggles himself and may not understand it, who is trying to be the man that God called him to be and in his eyes may be failing……you are looking at how you feel….and what he said to you in that regard……..(and I am not defending anyone)
These will be troublesome times for the both of you because your relationship has not been tested……so here comes the waves and the storms and the winds….what do you do? Do you continue to thank God for the “promise” or do you just cry yourself to sleep……I think you should thank God for the “promise” and the both of you should get some counseling to “work” things through….these times are difficult..financially and spiritually and you need to work it out the best way you can and that’s through prayer……believing God…..that what he said and what he gave you is real
You think the devil who sees God give you a husband is going to sit down and watch you enjoy yourself……oh NO!! He is attacking with everything…..verbal and otherwise…..stand your ground and take the offensive…not the defensive and take back the ground that has been stolen from you……!!!!.
Nice articles. thanks for the sharing
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