When ‘Home for the Holidays” Never Ends

November/December 2008 Issue | Posted by Wayne Laugesen in Marriage

im came home to visit her parents for the Christmas holiday. She hugged her mother Shirley and her father, Deacon Dan. She looked at her brother, with whom she had always been close.

“Hey, Boomer,” Kim said. “How’s the basement these days?”

She had been home all of one minute and the tension was thick. It was the beginning of a week that would change their family dynamic forever — a week that nearly ended a 32-year Catholic marriage.

“Don’t call me that,” her brother said. “I won’t put up with it, Kim.”

“Don’t you two start,” Shirley told them. “Not now. I want peace in this home. Can’t you just give us that for Christmas?”

“Boomer” had become Kim’s nickname for Sean, and it wasn’t a term of endearment. It was an abbreviation for “boomerang,” because Kim considered her slightly younger brother a “boomerang kid.” And the kid part wasn’t really fitting. Sean was 28 years old that winter, and he had once again come home to live in mom and dad’s basement.

Kim, a 30-year-old sales executive, resented Sean. Her brother was bright and had a bachelor’s degree from Texas A&M. He had the skills and background to make it on his own, but he never seemed to launch. Kim believed that Sean, living in the basement and tapping the household funds, was stressing their parents’ relationship.

She also considered it unfair. Kim’s life hadn’t exactly been a cakewalk. After college, she barely had enough money to put down the deposit on a cheap apartment in Dallas. She took a job selling cars and barely ate until she finally made a sale nearly a month after starting work. She scraped, clawed, worked, and saved her way to a better life.

“Oh, but when Sean got done with school it was a much different story,” Kim recalls.

Sean wanted to pursue a career in photojournalism. But first he wanted to make sure he didn’t have a vocation as a rock star.

“Mom and Dad bought him a Les Paul guitar, because he had the gall to beg them for money to help start his career,” Kim said. “Oh, he promised to pay it back. But that didn’t work out, because he never became this big rock star.”

Sean lived his first year out of college in a run-down San Antonio bungalow with three other members of the band. They played their instruments late into the night, but never landed a single paying gig.

“They were horrible,” Kim said. “The only ones who thought they had talent were they themselves. It was like this collective psycho-fraternal delusion of post-collegiate beer guzzlers. I visited that house once, and that was enough. There were dried up old pizzas and beer cans everywhere, and a bunch of college graduates sleeping until noon. I saw that place, ran away, and never went back. Mom saw that place and decided it was time to rescue Sean.”

The First Rescue

Shirley remembers the day of rescue. Sean was 23, and she hadn’t been able to reach him by phone. She drove to his house and tiptoed through the mess to Sean’s room, fearful of waking the rock stars. She found Sean sound asleep at 11 a.m. He looked like he hadn’t shaven in a week. She gently nudged him until he awoke.

“Sean, what’s going on here? We should talk,” Shirley said.

The two went to lunch at a nearby restaurant, and Shirley expressed her concerns. She told Sean she didn’t like what she had seen at his house, and asked what he was doing for work.

“We’re trying to make the band work, but it’s tough out there,” Sean said.

“Sean, you need a job,” Shirley said. “What’s up with your photography? You have such a talent for it.”

“I don’t really have the right equipment,” Sean said.

And off they went to a camera store. Sean told his mother he needed a tripod, new lenses, and an auto film reel for his Nikon. She bought it all, spending hundreds of dollars. The two visited a resume shop, where more money changed hands to get Sean one of the finest-looking resumes $200 could buy.

But Shirley and Dan weren’t rich. They were still paying on loans that helped put Sean and Kim through college. Things were downright tight at times, and on her way home Shirley realized that she had some explaining to do.

That night, she told her husband Dan that she was worried about Sean. She explained that he needed a jump-start, so that he might pursue his chosen profession instead of the rock career that everyone but Sean himself knew was a ridiculous dream.

“I thought the guitar was a jump-start,” Deacon Dan said. “Now the camera is another jump-start. When do we see him start?”

Dan wasn’t pleased about the money Shirley had spent. The couple had put off lots of their own hopes and dreams until their children were out of college, and they had planned out a strict budget for a romantic trip to New York the following month.

“Honey, you need to let Sean figure this out for himself,” Dan said. “He’s an adult now, and we’ve done plenty to give him a good start. Let him fail, so maybe he’ll grow up.”

Shirley apologized for not first discussing with Dan the hundreds she had spent that day on Sean. The next month they flew off to New York and had a wonderful trip.

But when they returned home, the house wasn’t empty. Sean’s van was parked on the street, and inside the house was Sean — along with his guitar, clothes, camera equipment, and the keyboard he had never quite learned to play.

At age 23, with a college degree but no real plan, Sean had moved back home.

Sean explained that his roommates hadn’t been paying rent, so they were all thrown out. He said that his stay would be temporary — until things worked out.

Deacon Dan rolled his eyes. Shirley cast her husband a glare, as if to say that he shouldn’t make Sean feel uncomfortable in their home.

Dan was silently infuriated by the glare. To him, it was a look that told the story of a marriage that seemed more centered on kids than on a couple. Before Dan and Shirley had unpacked their own luggage, Shirley was making Sean comfortable, making up his bed and washing his laundry.

“I had been enjoying the empty nest since Sean went off to college,” Deacon Dan explained. “That evening, it became apparent to me that Shirley felt differently. She seemed almost delighted that Sean had come home. I guess I wanted the attention Sean was getting.”

He had plodded through while he reared the children with Shirley, hoping that when the children became adults and left home, Shirley would focus more on him. But it wasn’t happening. She still seemed to honor and respect the needs of Sean more than those of her husband. He was having serious doubts about the couple’s future.

Sean spent his first few days in the house combing over help wanted ads and sending off his slick new resume to local newspapers and magazines he hoped might need photographers. He never heard from most, and when he did it was in the form of anorexic envelopes containing prefab rejection notes.

The second week into Sean’s stay, Deacon Dan began hearing hideous guitar riffs wafting from the basement. It seemed to go on all day, and it never sounded better. Finally, he pounded on Sean’s bedroom door.

“I thought you were finding a job, but all I’m hearing is guitar all day,” Deacon Dan said.

“Dad, I’ve been looking, but there’s nothing out there,” Sean said. “I’m waiting to hear back from a bunch of places, but nothing has come through yet.”

“Well, you’d better find something because you’re only here for another few weeks,” Deacon Dan said. “I love you, but you need to start your own life.”

The Cycle Begins

The few weeks turned into a few months. During those months, Deacon Dan and Shirley began to argue like never before. Deacon Dan wanted his son out of the house. He’d have thrown him out, except Shirley was brought to tears each time the subject arose. So Deacon Dan continued extending the deadline, month after month.

Then one day Sean got a job. He was hired by a music store to sell guitars. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it was something he could do.

Deacon Dan, Shirley, and Sean all decided that Sean would stay for only two more months — long enough to save enough to get an apartment.

“I thought that living with us he could save pretty much every cent that he made,” Deacon Dan said. “I really thought we had a plan, finally.”

About two weeks after starting the job, Sean came home wearing new clothes. He explained that he needed them for work. After the next paycheck, he came home with a new amp for his guitar.

“It was on sale at the store — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pick it up,” Sean explained.

At the end of two months, Sean had not saved a dime. Deacon Dan threw a conniption fit.

“We had a deal!” he yelled, in the direction of Shirley and Sean. “He needs to get his own place, as agreed to.”

Shirley was angered by her husband’s response to the news that Sean was broke. She walked him to their bedroom, closed the door, and asked him why he resented their son so much.

“We raised him to adulthood, we put him through college — which we’ll be paying for the rest of our lives — and it’s just time that he lead his own life. You know what his problem is? It’s you. You are coddling him and spoiling him to his own peril.”

With that, Shirley left the room and slammed the door. Deacon Dan went to bed alone. He awoke at 4 a.m. and Shirley still wasn’t in bed. She was on the living room couch. In 27 years of marriage, the two had never been so angry as to sleep in separate rooms. But here they were, separated in the middle of the night over a dispute about a son they both dearly loved.

The next day, Shirley was still upset. Deacon Dan went off to church, and Shirley woke up Sean.

“Come on, we’re apartment shopping,” Shirley said.

She took Sean to an apartment complex near the music store. She laid out the cash for a month-to-month lease. She told him he would need to pay her back as soon as he could. And then she left.

At home, Shirley apologized to Dan. She said she regretted acting unilaterally regarding Sean. She even regretted moving him into the apartment without first discussing it as a couple.

“I just couldn’t take the tension any longer,” Shirley explained to her husband. “I decided it was what you would want.”

Deacon Dan said nothing, and just held Shirley close. He apologized for his harsh words the night before. He explained that he was genuinely concerned for Sean, and believed he would never make a life for himself if allowed to live at home. Shirley said she agreed, but couldn’t stand to cast him out with so few resources and a low-paying job.

For nine months, Sean continued working at the music store. “Then a big corporate chain bought the guitar store,” said Sean’s sister Kim. “Sean was out of a job.”

He took a job at a convenience store, but it barely began to pay the bills. Just over a year after moving out, Sean was back on his parents’ doorstep. Deacon Dan no longer wanted to fight. Even he couldn’t see another good option for Sean. It was the basement or a homeless shelter.

The cycle continued for the next five years. Sean would live with his parents until it got too hot. Then he’d land a better job, usually in retail. He’d get his own place, the job would end, and he was back home. In all, he moved in and out four times from age 23 to age 28.

“It was constantly an issue in our marriage,” Deacon Dan said. “It represented what seemed like a failure in parenting. I was blaming Shirley, and she thought I was callous and uncaring toward our son who needed help. He was not a kid anymore, so I wanted romantic dinners and evening chats, but Sean was always there, and this constant guitar sound was the background noise of our lives together.”

And there was the issue of Kim, who was complaining of unequal treatment. She had worked hard and done well. She was paying on her own student loans, and didn’t have a rent-free apartment in her parents’ home.

“It became troublesome when Kim would come to visit,” Deacon Dan said. “Her resentment was palpable. Kim would always try to discuss it, asking when we were going to get ‘Boomer’ out of the house.”

Fighting ^,Round the Tree

The tension turned to an all-out family war that Christmas break, after Kim kicked things off with the “Hey, Boomer” greeting. Sean antagonized Kim for never being able to find a man. Kim antagonized Sean for living like a child.

“They were at each other’s throats and it wasn’t long before they were throwing things,” Shirley said.

Deacon Dan and Shirley left the home and stood in their front yard, not knowing what to do. They began to talk, and Shirley began defending Sean.

“That’s when I said, ‘Enough.’ I just couldn’t take any more of it,” Deacon Dan said.

The night before Christmas Eve, Deacon Dan did something he could hardly imagine. He left his family and drove to a motel.

The next day, Dan called Father Michael from their church. He explained that he had left home, unable to cope with the dysfunction in his own family. He told Father Michael he couldn’t stand the thought of going home, where it seemed like everyone was at war. He even dropped the “D” word, confiding in Father Michael that he had been contemplating divorce for the past several years.

The two met later that day, and Father Michael told Deacon Dan to pull himself together. He suggested a family meeting, one he would moderate.

Deacon Dan went home that afternoon, and the family had the most tension-filled Christmas Eve any of them had ever known. Nobody fought, but conversation was guarded and scarce.

The day after Christmas, Father Michael came by the home for the family meeting. He gave each member of the family an opportunity to talk, in a context of respect and love, with a guarantee that interruptions would not be tolerated.

“Lots came out in that meeting,” Deacon Dan said.

He learned that his wife was lonely, lacking deep communication with him, and took solace in having Sean in the home. Sean expressed his fear, and lack of confidence in being able to make it alone in the world without parental support. Kim expressed resentment and bitterness over feelings that her parents favored their boy child over their girl. Dan expressed resentment that his son seemed spoiled and weak, and confessed that he felt largely to blame. He also expressed regret for not standing up for himself over the years, on the many occasions when Shirley contradicted his decisions and disrespected him in front of their kids.

Father Michael explained that he perceived plenty of guilt to go around, assuring the entire family that no one person was to blame. He suggested a tough love plan, in which Sean would be forced to sink or swim. If his future was the streets, or a shelter, then so be it. He explained that a son should go out and try to make a family of his own, which Sean would never do without a plan of exit from his parents’ home.

Father Michael suggested that Deacon Dan and Shirley enroll in Retrouvaille, a program to help couples heal and renew their marriages. He also suggested a couple’s group known as Teams of Our Lady, which helps facilitate better communication between Catholic couples. He urged all members of the family to partake in the sacrament of reconciliation at least once a month, if not more. He promised to follow up with each member of the family, to help them stay on track with the plan.

This Christmas

That night was five years ago. This Christmas will be happier, and saner, at Dan and Shirley’s house.

Sean will be there with his new wife, on break from his job managing a grocery store. Kim will be there. She visits often and gets along with her parents and Sean.

“It’s water under the bridge,” Kim said. “We’ve all grown.”

For Deacon Dan and Shirley, Christmas will be like it was in the old days when Sean and Kim were in college. Nobody plays guitar in the basement. The adult children pay their own bills and solve their own problems. Then they come together to celebrate Christ’s birth.

“It’s not always marital bliss, but mostly it is,” Deacon Dan said.

“Pretty much always,” Shirley said. “There were some tough years in there for the entire family. I was so unwilling to listen to my husband that I didn’t even know our marriage was in complete jeopardy. God has ways of getting us all to grow and learn.”E

Wayne Laugesen writes from Colorado.

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